Monday, October 27, 2008

Sigh. I'm freaking upset bout it.
Today went dinner again with family. Everything went okay until my brother brought up yesterday's subject. He was in his friend's house till 12 sumthin then my dad called him up and shouted at him. Then my mum ask me why I wanted to stay overnight in my friend's house. I say, not that I've never stayed there before. Then my mum say next time if want stay then ask her parents to give a call to my parents. Then I ask my dad, you don't trust me is it?
He nodded his head and say no.
WTH man!
I'm in a family that even my parents don't trust me!
What? Why? How?
I am seriously damn upset bout this. How can this happen? The people I love and trust the most don't even put their trust in me!
That moment I really felt like I just wanna burst out in tears. Just to see and hear that my dad don't even trust me. He answered me confidently like I'm some kind of bad girl or what. I really don't know what I can do to gain their trust. Maybe cause I'm just too bad. I don't know.
After that, every joke my mum makes, made me feel so fake. I don't know. I keep thinking that every single expression they make in front of me is fake. Everything I've ever thought and been thinking is fake. Never real. It was all an illusion. They never really trust me like what I have been thinking all this while. I'm a fool to think that they trust me and would never question me. Well, I've never question their trust because I thought it has always been there. Starting from today, I know that they don't trust me and I will never gain any trust from them anymore. After that we walked home. I walked alone right at the back. Just feeling so numb. I couldn't speak a word. I don't know. I don't know what to think anymore. A moment ago, everything seem so secured and fine. Felt so happy being around people that I think I can trust and also trust me back. But it was all my thoughts. Never reality. Now I have to face reality that, THEY DON'T TRUST ME ANYMORE.
Why did this happen? Just because of words from my neighbour? Btw, my neighbour told my dad that they always see me walking home with a guy. Wth man! That's so not true. Well, a couple of times. Just because of my safety. That's why. Okay, from now onwards, I'm not gonna ask anyone to walk me home anymore. Okay? Satisfied? I'll walk home alone, no matter how far, how late, how dark or how quiet it is. Well, if that will make the neighbours shut their freaking mouth and make you feel happy. That's how it should be right? I can't believe you trust others more than your own daughter. Well, if that's how you think then I have nothing to say. I don't know how to face someone that I think they don't trust me anymore. Being at home make me feel like a total stranger. I don't know. I can't think anymore. Is all this really mine? Or will it be claim back one day? I don't know.
Why does trust from them affect me so much? Why? Why? Why? I hate this feeling! I'm now in a room that I feel like I'm renting. The only way to pay back is to grow up, work and pay them back the money. I really think it's the only way. I'm living with total strangers that I don't know.
This is totally something I've never thought and expected will happen to me. Seriously.
I know others might say that my parents are just worried bout me. But to say that you don't trust me right at my face? That's not care. It's the "I don't trust you, why should I trust you, who are you" statement.
People who care, please don't create any problem for me anymore. Don't question me bout my love to you, how deep is our friendship or how much I love you. This 2 years had really been a big challenge for me. But I'm still hanging on alone. I trully am trying hard to keep everything in place and not to break down at times. Will keep it for the night when I'm alone and nobody's looking. Don't feel bad for not being there for me. Cause I don't want others to feel sorry for me. I'm a girl that is strong in heart. I want to be remembered as the girl that always smile and not the girl that cries all the time. I'm trying to feel as satisfied as possible with my life. Having myself to count on and trusting myself 100%. Whatever I'm doing is for my own good. I have to learn to be independent from now. No one will be there for me anymore when I'm breaking down. I don't wanna count on others, especially guys. Thanks.

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