Monday, September 22, 2008

Normal Monday. Morning didn't feel like going to school cause last night slept at like erm, 12.30am xD
Couldn't sleep last night cause keep coughing. Don't know why.
Haiz. School like normal. Hmm, history time damn sien, I nearly fell asleep =x
Then maths no teacher -.-
Then BM talked the whole time in class xD
Then moral no teacher, then learn the 3rd method for salt =)
After that stay back for duty. Crap larh today -.-
Keep printing the wrong thing. Siao, wasted 2 papers -.-ll
Then back home and online.
Wanted to watch Camp Rock. On and watch. Then bro went out. He never tell me need cook. I wait till 6.30 thought he will be back to cook since he didn't go school today. But he never return. So I went and cook. Paused the movie. Then dad came back, saw behind got clothes hanging. He ask whether need bring in or not. I say need. He em choi me, just left it there and expect me to bring it in. What was my feeling at that time? I don't know. Can't really tell.
Haiz. I felt like the maid in my house. Mum came back, she just say she very tired and don't want do anything. What else? I have to do everything. Then she say she want watch the drama, I have to on for her. I do homework as she watches the drama. I don't know why but I feel the distance between us eventhough we are just 5 legs away.
I know I'm a little to sensitive but I just couldn't care anymore what OTHER people think bout me. I know myself more than any other humans in this world. You think you know me and understand me? Well, think again!
You think you know the problems I go through and you say you understand and experienced it before? Well, think again!
I might not be the luckiest homo sapien living on earth, but I try, I really tried very hard to actually fit in and be myself. It's hard! It's really hard. In front of you guys I totally have a blank mind. I'm not that smart, I'm useless and I have a SUPER DUPER low self esteem.
Trying hard to be outspoken and guess what? Lembu punya susu, sapi dapat nama. Not blaming anyone but myself. It's hard to be myself when all that is in my mind is what others think bout me and not what I feel comfortable in doing.
Why do others have to come first in my life?
Well, started from today I feel the pressure. Seriously. My family members don't take a damn bout my studies. They don't ask anything and guess what, yesterday my dad ask hows exam. WTH man! When did I say that I was having exams?! He totally asked the wrong daughter!
And mum? Yea, she works hard for the family, I don't mind if she doesn't care bout me. But she always talks bout leaving the house to me! WTH?! You know how hurt it is when she says that? I feel like I'm a useless child! I can't even retain their matrimony! I'm so a totally useless cow!
And my brother? He's totally out of the family already. He don't even care what we talk about in the living room. His online game is his life and guess what, he don't even think I'm his damn sister! Who else can I find to be my family member? Yea, friends you might say. It's hard to take a FRIEND as a family member. No matter how close you are with your friend, you need a family member. I lost all of them, I'm just like the orphan in a children's home. So why bother?
Social activities. Okay, moving to social activities. Have you ever heard my voice in an open area?
Just being the centre of attraction to everyone? No. I hate it. One main weakness, confidence. Second weakness, being too good, and it hurts!
Being used? Felt many times. Being taken for granted? Always.
Relationship. Hey, I've told you I don't want a relationship now. I don't have a heart to start anew. Hard to adapt. Hard to attain and hard to retain. One day. Just one day and everything went upside down! In a group conversation today, I felt like just being the observer. Everyone was talking like they knew what was happening and I just stared and been the dumb person.
I knew what was happening but my mouth just wouldn't open to giv an opinion. I'm afraid they would laugh at me and make it a big joke. What's the use of having a mouth? For me, its better not having than have. Although, yea I'm relly thankful I have one. But my eyes tell more truth than my mouth. Believe not what I say but look through my eyes and find the answer.
Facing problems are something everyone experience everyday, yea I know. But having it flooding all at once is hard.
P.S. If anyone reading this have any comment on how they are worse than me? You know what. Just save it in your blog. Stop doing all those compares cause I HATE IT!
Most girls hate it when others keep comparing cause this can hurt them a lot. SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE. So just SHUT UR MOUTH UP!

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